Day of the Tentacle
by Xysnei
Summary: Shepard gets a massage from a hanar while Garrus and Grunt wait outside. No, seriously. MShepxHanar. Oneshot, pure crack, and incredibly creepy. Rated M for naughty things. Fic written on request. R&R!


**A/N: Okay, in my quest for crack pairings to write about, I received two seperate requests for a ShepardxHanar fic. **

**One request was for MShepxHanar, while the other was for FShepxHanar. The FemShep/Hanar thing will be a lot less…well…naughty, though.**

**PURE CRACK AHEAD, don't say I didn't warn you. Don't take this too seriously!  
**

* * *

Shepard loved his daily rituals. They were all second nature to him. Get up at six, grab some coffee, have breakfast, brush his teeth, talk to Mordin, talk to Miranda, talk to Jacob, talk to Garrus, talk to Jack, talk to Grunt, talk to Tali, talk to Thane, talk to Samara, talk to Zaeed…

..but not today. For today was one of those days where Shepard was incredibly down. He needed something to take that suicide mission off of his mind for a minute. So he had decided to take a day off. The Illusive Man didn't agree, nor did Miranda, but Shepard just gave them the middle finger before heading to the Citadel's Dark Star Lounge with Garrus and Grunt. They enjoyed clubbing as much as he did. For some reason though, all the beautiful asari around him didn't attract him as much as they did Garrus and Grunt, who were practically drooling all over the place. Shepard left the dancefloor and took a seat at a table in the corner of the club.

The chair was sticky with fluids Shepard couldn't identify. He ran his gaze across the table. There were a candle, a beer bottle, an issue of Fornax, and-

Wait, an issue of Fornax?

Shepard reached for the adult magazine. There was a male turian on the cover, in all of his naked glory. The cover also promised _"hot krogan action"_ _and "sticky salarian sensuality"_. In small handwriting, on the corner of the cover, was another slogan: "Hot Hanar from All over the Galaxy!"

Shepard raised his eyebrows. That had awakened his curiosity. Didn't all hanar look the same, anyway? He looked around. No one would notice if he just peeked for a minute, and Garrus and Grunt were too busy failing miserably at picking up chicks anyway. He leafed through the magazine for a moment, and what he saw next blew his mind.

Lots of hanar, with members of all species (other hanar, turians, salarians, humans, asari, elcor, quarians, and he swore there was one picture with a batarian), both genders, all in suggestive poses. And all of a sudden, Shepard realized why his chair had been so sticky. The pictures were tasteful, had just the right amount of naughtiness, and very attractive models. It was…a titillating experience, to say the least.

At the end of the article on hot hanar, Shepard noticed a small message.

"_This one would like to invite you for a sensual tentacle massage. All species are welcome. It would be delighted if you choose to come to us. The first massage is free. Our address is…"_

He hated to admit it, but he was interested. So he activated his omnitool, wrote the address down, and stood up to get Garrus and Grunt.

* * *

"Good evening, sir. Are you here for a sensual massage that will make you feel ecstatic?"

"Yeah."

Shepard had chosen to go into the building alone, leaving Garrus and Grunt outside with the excuse that he he had to go to the bathroom.

"It would delight this one to show you to the new room." The hanar behind the counter pressed a few buttons, making the door behind Shepard open. "Would you like to be treated by a male hanar or a female hanar?"

"Aren't they the same?"

"For a reason yet unknown to this one, male hanar are slightly better at this job. However, many males of all species who come in here enjoy female company more."

Oh well, if male hanar were better at this…and Shepard had nothing to lose anyway, nearly everyone thought he was still dead.

"Male hanar, please."

"This one is suprised at your sincerity."

He pointed Shepard to the next room, behind a curtain. "Good luck. sir. May the Enkindlers watch over you."

* * *

After taking off his clothes and lying down on the bed, Shepard had to admit, this didn't feel so bad. The hanar "handling him" was quite good at his job, very careful, and very thorough. Hit all the sweet spots. Shepard almost felt sorry for leaving Garrus and Grunt outside; they had deserved this, too.

"Would you like an internal massage?"

Shepard got a bit creeped out when one of the hanar's tentacles came dangerously close to his butt.

"It will make you feel…satisfied."

The tentacle came even closer.

"Do it." Shepard sighed as he pressed his head into the pillow.

* * *

Meanwhile, Garrus and Grunt were still waiting outside, just staring at the closed door in front of them.

"Turian, what time is it?"

"About eight PM. Shepard's been in there for two hours."

Grunt chuckled. "Think he drowned in his own shit?"

"Maybe. I'll go and take a look."

Garrus stood up from the bench and pressed the door's "open" button. There wasn't anyone to be found. No signs of toilets, either. He noticed another door, and opened that one too.

The sounds he heard next, coming from behind a large curtain, made sure he would never sleep again.

"_Harder, you big stupid jellyfish!" _he heard Shepard yell loudly.

"_This one loves it when you talk dirty." _a second voice, belonging to a hanar, spoke.

Garrus turned away in horror and ran for the door. Grunt was laughing his ass off.

"HOLYCRAPHOLYCRAPHOLYCRAP!" Garrus repeated himself non-stop as he ran in circles around the bench.

* * *

About half an hour later, Shepard came walking out of the building, a smirk on his face. It had been an exciting experience. The next time, he'd bring his entire squad. He had already made his next appointment.

* * *

**A/N: This has to be the creepiest fic ever. I'm always happy to creep you out, you know.**


End file.
